#MEETMYTYPES: WHEN COMPROMISE BREEDS CONTEMPT - WHAT TO DO!
- Oct 4, 2015
- 3 min read
We’ve all heard the saying ‘familiarity breeds contempt,’ but if anything had to give ‘familiarity’ a run for its contemptible money, then ‘compromise’ would be right up there and here’s why…
Compromise is necessary, thoughtful, unselfish, and shows commitment in all relationships – until a certain point and that point is when you start to compromise your non-negotiables.
Between meeting someone for the first time and the end of the honeymoon period, we start to assert who and what we are and how we like to be treated in a relationship. We are no longer skipping and dancing in the rain all day any more, but we have now added talking about the reality of building a future together and including the things we care about in that future.
Non deal breakers like hanging out with your friends every night of the week can be negotiated. Three out of seven nights you could spend cuddled with your partner- not a bad compromise considering you’re probably going to be doing a lot more than cuddling!
And then we have deal breakers, for example, you love chess. It helps you to be you and if you give that up you lose a part of personal expression and sense of freedom. So when you partner asks you to give up chess club as the money you pay for that can go towards a romantic getaway, then that is not going to go down well. Chess is one thing you really do not want to negotiate. It is a non-negotiable.
At this point one of two major things could happen.
You could stand your ground, assert your love of chess and its importance in your life and remind your partner that they fell in love with a chess player and should learn to live with it or you should both reconsider relationship and be prepared to walk away if necessary.
You realize it’s early in the relationship and you don’t want to rock the boat so you agree to stop your chess club and use the money for the romantic getaway.
In situation A. what happens next is that you’re upset and hurt, but playing chess gets you through it and you may even get to meet someone new who plays or simply appreciates the role that chess plays in your life.
In situation B. what happens next is you return from the romantic getaway but one of the core staples in your life is no longer there. Without an outlet for your frustrations your partner soon becomes the scape-goat for your negativity, but what you’re really doing is projecting the disappointment you feel in not standing up for yourself with and the regret that comes with that every time you think about it.
What can really turn a situation like this from bad to unbearable is if you then see your partner put their foot down about doing something that they love and do it whether you like it or not. That is like the ultimate slap in the face for you compromise and what previously were nagging frustrations now turn into complete contempt.
So how can we avoid this?
In this case prevention is easier than cure. Know how to communicate your non-negotiables before you enter into a relationship and do not be afraid to voice them. You also have to be willing to walk away from creating a situation with someone who is unwilling to support the things that are important to you. Remember, a relationship is a social and verbal contract and as such has terms, small print, conditions, terms, penalties, clauses and amendments. The language of any contract is the key to understanding it, so making sure you and you partner speak a compatible ‘love language,‘ will shape how the contract/relationship is drawn up and operates. Make sure you negotiate good terms for yourself if you’re planning on sticking with the relationship for a while.
And even if you’ve been in a relationship for 20 years, just like any other contractual agreement, amendments can be made. The best couples will revisit their relationship contract regularly and make changes as they and the relationship develop. This keeps the contract between them valid, meaningful and respectful to the freedoms of the things they like to do together or on their own, like maybe playing chess.
ARE YOU READY TO FORM A TRUE CONTRACT AND GET MATCHED WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL ACTUALLY RESPECT IT?
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